BlogYYY
Sunday, October 28, 2007,11:43 PM
The time is near
In times of quietness, when i sit to reflect on my week, my work, my life, one thing never fails to come to my mind - the fact that the year is going to end soon, and someone who has played an important role in my life, is going to leave soon. Who will fill the gap? No one perhaps. Who can i tell my insecurities to? No one, because no one will probably understand. Ppl would jus shrug it off as a f***king trivial matter. But to me, it means so much. It means losing a friend i can talk to, it means losing someone whom i know is there quietly even though we may not talk. It means losing a pillar of strength. It means losing a companion I've had for so many years. It simply means a lot. Not talking about it does not mean i'm the least bit unaffected. Not talking about it simply means I don't know where to start, and I don't know how to handle the impending loss and pain.
I cannot say things to persuade her to stay, knowing that the job sucks at times. I cannot persuade her to stay simply because i know that she should pursue her own happiness. I simply cannot open my mouth to say anything regarding that, for fear that my tears will roll. I guess it's really a struggle within myself i have to handle and resolve. I am beginning to feel that no one understands. And when ppl say they do, I suspect they don't.
Sunday, October 14, 2007,10:06 PM
Conformity and denial
Over the past few weeks, I've come to realise that the things I do, the decisions i make, are constantly governed by what people think, and what people want. Why am I afraid to pursue my own happiness?
Perhaps it's really due to the fact that I really owe my family too much. I own him too much also. Way too much to want to disappoint them with the decisions I make. The decision I make with my heart, does not equal the decision I will make with my head. So what's next? There isn't any time left to look back anyway.
I've been so caught up with my own doings, that I've neglected the people around me. I've forgotten about spending quality time with family and friends. I've even neglected my own work. These few weeks, my routine is : at work, dinner with L, home, continue with work. Weekends are spent with him, continuing with work, preparing for THE day, and more work. Then the cycle continues. It's bad i know. It has to end sometime, somehow. When? I'm not too sure. This darkness I'm living in, I'm afraid to bring to light. I dun wan to be judged. I dun wan to be reminded of the reality that will soon come my way.
How true, what 5446 has said ----->
Each choice we make causes a ripple effect in our lives. When things happen to us, it is the reaction we choose that can create the difference between the sorrows of our past and the joy in our future. I've made a choice that will cause not only a ripple effect in my life, but in the life of another person as well. I'm afraid of hurting another person. But what am i doing about it? Nothing. Why? Perhaps it is because I'm in major denial. Perhaps it is also due to the fact that I do not want to bring sorrow to that individual. I do not want to stop living the life which I think i should rightfully lead, but I am denied of.